How To Convince Your Partner To Become Polyamorous

When people find out that I’m a polyamorous woman (capable of having more than one intimate relationship) and married to an alpha-male, they tend to gravitate towards the same questions:

“I think I’m polyamorous too! How did you convince your husband to consider opening your marriage? How do I convince my partner to become polyamorous with me?”

After some long consideration, I decided to write a post about this topic because so many people think I’m capable of guiding the way. So here is my foolproof plan for convincing your spouse to join you down a polyamorous path:

Step 1: Don’t.

That’s it. That’s my plan.

Look, hearing these kind of questions makes me internally cringe so hard because I DON’T have a good answer and people aren’t going to like that I think polyamory isn’t for them. It is not because I believe I am emotionally or morally superior to a monogamous person, at all. It is because we live in a monogamous society, folks, and the level of crap that I get about being polyamorous is beyond what I discuss on this blog. How can I give someone the steps to opening their marriage only to have their entire life implode?

I’ve had tons of conversations with people in monogamous relationships who wish to be poly. The number one thing I attempt to discern is WHY they wish to go down this path. Here are some of their (paraphrased) responses:

“He’s never around.”

“I’m unhappy and think that another partner would help.”

“She refuses to do certain things in the bedroom now that we are married. And I NEED certain things.”

“I met someone I think I want to be with.”

Now let’s take a look at those responses. On a personal note, I probably fell between “he’s never around” and “I met someone I think I want to be with.” Loneliness and attraction to another can quite obviously lead someone into thinking about possibilities of another life and another way. But if you have in your mind any one of those reasons and attempt to approach your partner with the idea of opening the relationship, what do you see happening? They will probably want to know why you don’t think they are enough for you, right? And do you know what ANY of those reasons will make your partner feel like?

That they aren’t enough. That they are failing.

I’ve been on the receiving end of a similar conversation before with my ex-husband. I was crushed that I wasn’t sexually enough for him and he wanted to swing. My response of being confused and crushed will be a similar response to you going to your partner with ideas of polyamory. Why? Because most people don’t understand that the desire to love multiple people doesn’t (or shouldn’t) stem from a lack of love for their current partner.

If you are unhappy with your partner or yourself and think that you need another person to add to that sad mix, please don’t kid yourself and ruin multiple lives. If you think you and your partner are capable of long, arduous, revealing, soul-searching, empathetic, respectful conversations, and you wish to approach them about the idea of having an open relationship, here is my advice:

1. Make sure that you aren’t doing this to “solve” any problems already within your relationship. Asking a third to join your jacked up relationship is cruel for everyone.

2. Read some Heinlein to get a feel for how a polyamorous relationship should be (respectful, full of communication, and lots of love. I suggest Time Enough for Love (beware, some pretty odd themes pop up, so ignore those) and Stranger in a Strange Land).

3. Make sure you are having this conversation with your partner BEFORE starting a relationship with someone else. Because the intent to eventually discuss your desire for polyamory with your partner does not make you any less of a cheater.

4. When you finally decide to have the first of many conversations, be respectful of your spouse’s mindset before you shake up their world. Are they stressed about work or the kids? Don’t be selfish and bring it up then. Wait for a good time when it is just the two of you and you have lots of time and space to jump into this discussion.

5. When you lay out your WELL-THOUGHT OUT argument for why you want this lifestyle, read the room to see how they are reacting. If they are throwing things at you, perhaps it’s time to lay off the heavy stuff until they calm down.

6. Make sure they understand that you don’t love or want them any less. Make sure that you emphasize that they are not lacking in anything (hmmm, this makes me want to write a post about how others’ flaws or lacks of certain interests don’t need to be addressed by their monogamous partner because holy shit, that’s a lot of pressure for one person). Make sure they understand that it isn’t them, it really is you and your desire to fill the world with more love.

7. Get ready for anger and tears and threats and suspicions. I was lucky enough to have a very observant husband who did not react in any of those fashions but other people who have had these discussions have not been so lucky. If you have been respectful of them in your relationship, then this step might be a little easier. If you have already started a relationship with someone else, this discussion is going to end in pain.

8. Don’t lie or become defensive to your actions or desires. Understand that your partner will be questioning a lot of things about themselves and your relationship with them. Ride the wave of emotions and let them figure it out with your help (if they want it). Realize that while you were sitting there thinking about the kind of life you want, they were living in the life that you promised them. That’s a lot for a person to watch crumble to dust at the sound of your honest desires.

9. Realize and discuss with your partner that there are many flavors and levels to a polyamorous lifestyle. Nothing is a set path so go down the one that can make both of you happy. Maybe your spouse doesn’t want to know anything about who you’re dating. Or maybe they are fine with getting a huge house and raising everyone’s kids!

10. Don’t be surprised if they walk away from the relationship. Polyamory isn’t for everyone, and it’s hard for a monogamous person to remain with a polyamorous person.

As long as you are honest and respectful and constantly communicating, maybe it’s possible for a monogamous couple to transition into a polyamorous relationship. Understand that there will be highs and lows to the process. However, remaining honest with yourself and your partner about what you both want is the best thing you can do for any relationship.

Let me know if you have any questions or if you need help finding a divorce lawyer.

Polyamory Ask Me Anything Questions and Answers

I conducted a Polyamory Ask Me Anything (AMA) on my social media accounts. Context: I am a polyamorous woman with a husband and a boyfriend. Ask me anything.

The guidelines for this AMA:

1) Please keep questions to my life as a polyamorous person (I will answer questions about swinging and open relationships to an extent. I might do a completely different AMA for those topics).
2) I won’t give names unless I’ve been cleared to by the person.
3) I won’t give super intimate sexual details. Get your rocks off at

Do you only LOVE your husband but hook up with others? My friends who are poly only LOVE each other but bone other people. Was wondering if there’s instances of multiple love as well…

I love my husband of six years and I love my boyfriend of one year. I also love three other people but I don’t consider myself in a relationship with them.

It sounds like what your friends are experiencing isn’t actually polyamory. Polyamory literally means many loves and would require more than just “boning” other people. It sounds like your friends are in a dynamic called swinging, which is the act of having sex with people who aren’t your significant other and NOT having emotional attachment to the other person.

Like your husband knows your bf and everyone is super cool?

Yeah, they have met multiple times. We have done family things together and they respect each other because of their love for me. They are both very emotionally intelligent and mature individuals. Occasionally there is jealousy but that is based upon a lack of time with my husband because he lives on the other side of the continent.

So far it’s (polyamory) worked out good for you?

As for the first question, yes and no. Polyamory is a constantly internally evolving dynamic that keeps me on my toes as the relationships change. However, polyamory has a severe social stigma and I have faced ridicule for how I choose to live my life. Internally, I love polyamory. The idea that multiple people support and love and defend me is seriously comforting and liberating. The idea that I can support and love and defend multiple people instead of feeling guilt for loving a person besides my spouse is EXTREMELY liberating. I used to fear expressing love as to protect my significant other’s feelings of jealousy or rage. I don’t fear love anymore.

You’ve been poly for years? Even in Japan?

I would say that I have always been poly my entire life but spent 25 years avoiding it because of my Christian upbringing. I thought something was wrong with me when I would be completely happy with my significant other and still care for and be attracted to and love other people. I started with swinging when I was 19 and found it disastrous because I would ALWAYS fall in love with someone I was forbidden to love. I moved to an open relationship with my husband when I was 23 (in Japan) and discovered that I was still lying and hiding my actions (probably because I was dating some less than ideal people). I didn’t fully accept myself as poly until I was 25 (2015) when the man I loved asked me to be his girlfriend (I later found out he was already married and lied to me for four years and was a completely terrible person). 

My husband knew I was poly for years before I knew it. 

So you’ve never hooked up with current bf and husband same time?

No, I haven’t.

Is this like furries?

No, it is not related to dressing up like an animal and performing sexual acts.

Are you and your husband swingers?

No, he and I have never swung.

When you’re dating multiple people, do you ever wish you could combine x from one person with y from another to make the perfect partner for you?

I wish I could say no, but I would be lying. Of course I have thought about taking away a characteristic that I didn’t admire from someone I love and making a perfect package with multiple other people I love in a sort of Mad Science remake but that isn’t how people are and that’s an impossible standard for a relationship.

I never want any partner of mine to think less of themselves because I love someone else. I don’t choose to be poly because my husband isn’t satisfying me or because he chews chips loudly. He is an amazing fucking man, which is why I used to have a lot of self-loathing for loving someone else. I am poly because I can be completed and loved in other ways than just by one. Poly isn’t a lack of fulfillment. It is an abundance of love and acceptance and learning about all of the awesome people in our world.

Do you plan on hiding it from your son until he’s older or just being open about it?

Honestly, I’m so scared of scarring him forever with this. I think he will be fine with the whole more love thing (kids only know love really) but I worry that other kids will mock him and say his mother is a whore. I don’t want my actions to adversely affect him. Currently, we are open with him and I think it will continue. I am just very concerned about how it will affect his life at school. Older kids are jerks to anything different.

When did you decide it was the right fit for you?

There wasn’t any one moment when a light bulb came on. I watched Big Love (similar to polyamory but it’s polygamy instead) when I was in Afghanistan and I think that was my first exposure to that kind of love. I had read Stranger in a Strange Land when I was 17 and polyamory was awesomely done in that book but I just wrote it off as a bunch of hippy dippy nonsense. I had spent years watching people cheat and lie and deceive in the Marine Corps. After TONS of talks of different family dynamics with my husband, I chose to no longer hide from freely loving more than one person. Years later, and with a lot of mistakes, here we are.

Is your husband poly? As in, does he have girlfriends, other loves, etc. as well? If not, is it difficult for him to know that he is 100% fulfilled by you and you are poly and cannot be fully fulfilled by him?

No, he is not poly. And you’ll have to ask him about the second part. I won’t speak for him.

Why did you get married? Marriage seems as if it is defined by the loving monogamy between two people, whilst having a relationship has more “wiggle room” for definition per say. What was the point in getting marriage [sic] if you were going to have other lovers? Why include marriage? I ask from curiosity, not judgement! It’s hard for me to understand when I don’t have that dynamic in my life 🙂

This answer is long. I got married because, simply put, I love him and I want to be with him. I was monogamous for many years with him and believed that was how I wanted to live my life. Strictly speaking, I’m not a fan of marriage. It doesn’t take a piece of paper to stop someone from beating you or cheating on you or leaving you. I don’t need the court systems to prove my love. I didn’t want to get married again after my divorce because of that very reason. However, I was with my now-husband and loved him and we knew the Marine Corps would send him away and not send me as a girlfriend. The marriage was as practical as it was about love. We got married and were sent to Japan shortly after.

Has your son seen you show love and affection for both your husband and boyfriend? Is that confusing for him?

My son has seen me hug my BF, yes, but that’s about it. He has also seen me hug and kiss with my husband. It doesn’t confuse him; he is a very chill people person. What confuses him is why I don’t allow him to eat candy for dinner.

Are you open in work settings about being polyamorous? For example, would you take your husband to a work function if he was in town, and then if he wasn’t, would you take your boyfriend?

I have six current coworkers on my Facebook now so I’m pretty sure they know more than they want to at this point. I’m very verbally open about dating someone who isn’t my husband because it was just confusing when I was trying to be discrete. The reactions are varied. As for work functions, probably not? I don’t really have work functions like that and I can barely go to anything just as myself because I am taking care of my son alone. Maybe I’ll revisit this question in a few years. However, I think it would cause a wave of conversation if I did.

If you chose to move in with your boyfriend, and your husband moved to California where you are, would you live with your husband AND boyfriend?

I currently live alone with my son. We have discussed living together but there are a lot of factors that go into that, i.e. the BF’s family.

Is their [sic] a hierarchy of sorts between your husband and boyfriend? Like does your husband always take priority because he is your husband and not your boyfriend? Or are they on equal footing?

They are on equal footing. I mean, they don’t step on each other’s toes and they are respectful of each other and my available time with them.

How many people have you had sex with?

This is irrelevant to this AMA and perpetuates the idea that poly people are down for casual sex or want to bone anything that moves. That’s not how this works and is pretty frustrating. I have had TONS of people think this means I’ll fuck anything that moves and trust me, I don’t. I have had men become very angry at me because they think I owe them sex. No, just no.

Do you and your husband ever discuss the sexual experiences you have between your boyfriend and vice versa? Or is it kind of an unspoken rule that you don’t discuss the details of the sex you have with others? Would he be upset if he walked in and saw you having sex with someone else? I ask because I can imagine having love for more then one person, but it’s hard for me to comprehend me not being hurt by the person I love when they physically and lovingly having sex with another person and me thinking about it and it not bothering me.

No, it is not discussed but people could if that’s what strikes their fancy. Some people are extremely jealous and don’t want to know and some are cuckholds who enjoy hearing about that kind of stuff. As for the walking in situation, maybe people need to work on logistics.

How do you keep track?

I have a Google calendar that I use profusely (everyone’s anniversaries, birthdays, surgeries, trips, work events, doctors appointments, school due dates, major life events, etc) that I share out. I use group texts to make sure that everyone is getting the same information. I take notes on my phone (I have over 40 original notepads with varying topics) of particulars that I don’t want to forget. I also have been with my husband so long that his personality and actions are second nature to me. They are also two similar and different people with two completely different lives and experiences.

Also, think of it like maintaining relationships with family and friends. We all have to keep track of multiple people, right? I still have my son and my friends to remember likes and dislikes. Maybe it’s easy for me, although I have forgotten things and repeated stories. They are patient and gently remind me.

Has your family said anything?

LOL, besides my mom asking if she didn’t show what a good monogamous relationship was to me, no. I have 23 family members on Facebook and haven’t heard a thing.

Does being poly mean that you occasionally go out and look for a random hookup because you’re just looking for unattached physical pleasure?

It shouldn’t. Polyamory comes with attachment. So if there are random physical hookups, it might be part of an open relationship or swinger type situation.

National Coming Out Day For Polyamory?

Today is the day to stand on the rooftops and scream your sexual affiliation. National Coming Out Day (created in 1988) was originally intended to allow those of gay and lesbian persuasions to shock and awe their friends and families in an open display of non-male + female relationships. However, this year I have seen more and more people “coming out” as poly-amorous. Now, we poly people don’t want to step on the toes of our gay and lesbian brethren and take away from their hard fought battles to be recognized as equal in marriage and respect. Though as the acceptance of gays and lesbians has begun to gain traction in the United States with the legalization of gay marriage on the national level (passed by the Supreme Court in 2015), perhaps we can begin again to include those of us who live on the outside of the social norm.

I have seen a lot of discussion on the Internet (yes, “Internet” is a proper noun) regarding the sanctity of marriage and comparing homosexuals to, horrifically, beastiality. “WHERE WILL IT END?!” cries the sexually repressed social conservative. These types of people gasped in horror when interracial couples walked into the grocery store together. They also gasped when they saw that Bill and Juan were holding hands and not “just roommates”. They grumble when they hear about transgenders wanting to use the bathroom… What happens when these people hear that there are some of us who love and maintain multiple relationships at once? Will this be the straw that breaks the back of the social conservative? How can they handle yet another transition to a family dynamic that destroys the nuclear family of America? Pay no attention to the divorce and cheating that runs rampant in “nuclear families” already. Can America handle another dynamic change?

Some people believe that “the gays” and “those selfish sluts” (because they don’t know what to call a poly-amorous person) are running rampant in today’s society because of a breakdown in morals that seems to go hand-in-hand with the expansion of the Internet. However, homosexuality and polyamory is not new! Guys, after I “came out” to my mother about being poly-amorous, she sighed and said, “Well, your grandmother was the same way. She had a lot of ‘gentleman friends’.” *record scratch* What? I was bowled over. You mean that this existed back in the 50’s and 60’s? (She probably had to endure all sorts of gossip, ostracization, and judgment. I wish she were still alive so I could ask her about her experiences.) So while social conservatives are in disgust about the “breakdown of society’s morals”, they don’t seem to understand that what they view as selfish social anomalies are actually interactions that have been hidden for centuries.

So instead of shaming those who live their life a little differently, perhaps we can hold onto each other a little more tightly and say, “Hey, good on you for recognizing your true self and having the courage to shout it to the world.” Because face it, this world needs a little more love in it.

Non-Inclusive List of Sexual and Relationship Terminology

If you wander into any comment section of a porno (yeah, I don’t know why I do), then you might notice a lot of words that are unfamiliar to a vanilla mind. Here is my non-inclusive list and definitions of sexual and relationship terminologies. I have learned these through discussions, research, first-hand accounts, and a lot of questions. Please keep in mind that these terms can be related but does not mean that every person who lives a non-vanilla lifestyle partakes in every aspect. Assuming that someone who is a sub is also into anal is just rude and makes you look like an ass. Every person and their desires are unique, and all expectations and dynamics should be discussed before actions.

Anal (noun): placing an object, typically a penis, into the anus. This act is not regulated to one gender as both men and women can be fucked in the ass with both another penis or an object such as a strap-on dildo.

BDSM (noun): the acronym of a very broad umbrella of non-vanilla activity. Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, Sadism and Masochism.

Bisexual (adjective): willingness to have sex with both genders. Males and females can be bisexual.

Buffalo (noun): a single male willing to engage in a swinging relationship with a couple. They are everywhere and can typically be seen lurking in the corners of swinging parties hoping to be invited into the mix.

Cuckold (noun or verb): a male who enjoys seeing his wife getting fucked by someone who is not him. A female version is a cuckquean.

Dominant (noun, verb, adjective): someone who commands, someone who requires submission of those whom they dominate. Also known as a Top or a Dom. The person they dominate is called a submissive. Not all Dom’s require a sexual relationship with their submissive but it is more typical than not. A Dom can be a male or a female, but a female is called a Domme instead of a Dom. In a 24/7 BDSM relationship, a Dom is called a Master and a Domme is called a Mistress.

Dungeon (noun): a special room that is reserved for scenes. This room can be filled with sexual devices and anything required for a scene to take place.

Hall Pass (noun): when one member of a relationship gives open reign for their partner to engage in sexual relations with a third party. Hall passes can be based upon time (I.e. A day, a weekend, indefinitely), zip code, or occasion.

The Lifestyle (noun): the world of swinging. A couple who swings is said to be “in the lifestyle.”

Masochism (noun): Enjoyment that comes from physical and/or emotional pain. Someone who likes masochism is called a masochist (noun).

Open relationship (noun): when a couple chooses to open their sexual relationship to other people. This is not cheating. It is discussed prior to any sexual engagements with people outside of the relationship.

Sadism (noun): Enjoyment that comes from inflicting physical and/or emotional pain upon others. Someone who is into sadism is called a sadist (noun).

submissive (noun, verb, adjective): I purposefully un-capitalized it. Submissives are obedient to their Dom(me) and trust their Dom(me) with their physical and mental well-being. They are also known as subs or bottoms and can be male or female. In a 24/7 BDSM relationship, a sub is called a slave.

Swinging (noun, verb, adjective): when a couple engages in sexual relations with other couples. This is a very broad term and there are multiple times of swinging that I will try to cover. Swinging is strictly sexual and no emotional attachment is supposed to occur.

Switch (noun, verb): Someone who is capable of being both Dominant and submissive determinate upon who they are with. Some people can be Dominant to one person while also being submissive to someone else.

Scene (noun): an active time and place that BDSM dynamics take place. Scenes are usually discussed beforehand by both parties unless there is a pre-determined agreement. For those who live in a 24/7 BDSM relationship, scenes are non-stop. For example, a Master and slave relationship doesn’t require a scene because their life is a constant scene. For others, BDSM only occurs inside the bedroom and those acts are called scenes.

Threesome (noun): to engage in a sexual act with a total of three people at one time. Not all parties involved have to touch or engage sexually. A male, female, male is MFM, etc.

Unicorn (noun): a single female willing to engage in a swinging relationship with a couple. They are called unicorns because they do not exist.

Vanilla (adjective): a person who is unknowing of or unwilling to delve into sexual acts that go beyond the typical positions and flavors. It is the “blandest” way to have sex. This isn’t talking down to those who choose to live a vanilla lifestyle, but it comes from the idea that a “spicier” lifestyle (read: what magazines like Cosmo tell you to do to liven your sex life is typically borrowing from a non-vanilla lifestyle and diluting it so other people don’t freak out) does exist.

Sexual Acts As Told By A Marine

Below is a list of sexual acts that were always joked about when I was in the Marine Corps while everyone sat around bullshitting. I’ve found that a lot of civilians don’t know these but they are decently hilarious and I thought I would share. Disclaimer: some of these might just be jokes told between Marines but everyone would always laugh. 2nd Disclaimer: This is me speaking like a Marine with no filter. Please stop clutching your pearls.

One-eyed Pirate: Kick her in the shin and cum in her eye.

Strawberry Shortcake: Fuck her on her period, cum on her stomach, and swirl it around with your dick.

Earn Your Red Wings: Eat a girl out while she is on her period.

Dirty Sanchez: Finger her ass while you fuck her from behind, then pull out your finger, reach around, and wipe your finger above her lip, giving her a “Sanchez” mustache.

Blumpkin: Getting a blowjob while taking a dump.

Glass-bottom Boat Ride: Laying Saran wrap on your face and having your partner take a shit on it

Rusty Trombone: Tonguing his ass while reaching around and giving him a hand job.

The Cowboy: Fuck her from behind, then either 1) say her sister’s name or 2) say you have herpes, grab hold, and see how long you can ride her until she bucks you off.

The Friendly Stranger: Fuck her from behind in front of a window, push her head into the pillow, and then switch places with your best friend and go outside and wave at her when she finally picks her head up from the pillow.

There you go. Now you have an idea of what Marines talk about when they are bored…which is often.


Fire and Hate

My heart is cracked and I am breathless trying to hold the pieces together, scrambling to pick them up as they fall to the ground and shatter. I miss your voice, your touch, your smile. Your energy filled the rooms within my soul, and now the life that you gave has been sucked from me as a fire sucks oxygen from the air so that it can grow in ferocity. I’m suffocating in the flames of your absence and I can’t breathe without you.

Your advice and view of the world was so unique to my young mind. Your strangeness made me feel normal. Your love made me feel wanted. Your simplicity made me feel calm. Our talks of divinity, of love, of possibilities together, all building a world and a future of wholeness; That world was shattered when I discovered your lies.

Except not shattered. The world still existed because it resided in my soul, the rooms of my soul that you filled. But that world, my world, is no longer bright and happy, with growth and life. The world within me is blackened and dying without the oxygen that your flames stole. Everywhere I turn is a shattered piece of a promise you had made to me, to us. Every word exchanged, every whisper of love, it was a lie that you were willing to tell.

How can someone willingly lie to someone they love? How can it not eat at their soul? It eats at mine as I lie that I am okay to those whom I love. I will never be okay. You changed me, and not for the better. I became cynical, the epitome of a weeping figure that stands on the cliffs before jumping. You were the one, and I never truly knew you. I would’ve jumped for you, but I would’ve jumped for someone that didn’t think I was worth telling the truth.

You. You deserve nothing in life because you had everything and you spat on it. Whether with her or me, you ruined that everything. You suffocated two women with multiple acts of lying and deceit over multiple years. I wonder if she has realized that she can’t breathe yet.

Let it go, people say. Just let it go. I guess it is easy for people to say to walk away without realizing what you stole. I did walk away, thank god, although I think of you with every move I make. I was able to leave, without the ability to breathe. And you told me to keep it together. Over five years of friendship, of courtship, of compromise and love…you saw my heart break and you looked at me in pity and then anger as you walked away, back to her, the one you kept from me for four years.

You are small, in body, mind, and spirit. I wish the cancer had taken you before you managed to ruin what we had.