The idea of a K-shaped economy has come into sharp focus in mainstream consciousness over the last year. The K-shape annotates the spending power of half of the population increasing while the spending power of the less wealthy persons sharply drop. The K-shaped puts into clear view the “squeeze of the middle” in which the idea of the middle class disappears under the extreme inflation because of illegal tariffs (Learning Resources, Inc. v. Trump by the Supreme Court) and the stagflation economy that the United States is experiencing. If you listen to your fellow Americans, two clearly distinct and separate experiences shine through. There are people who struggle to find their next meal and are worried about losing their homes because of rising taxes or rent. In that same economy, there are people who are traveling the world, wearing ridiculous clothing a la The Met Gala, blissfully unaware of the struggles of their fellow man.

Maybe it is social media I need to get off of, where I have a furious reaction of “eat the rich” whenever I see people living their best life without a care in the world while simultaneously realizing that I am solidly on the upslope of this K economy…and it feels gross.

I have been very fortunate in my adult life with how things have lined up for me financially. I am not sure how to write this realistically without giving a nod to certain timing. However, I have made sacrifices for the sake of money and there were very real impacts of my choices. I started paying taxes when I was 14, working over 40 hours a week by the time I was 15. I joined the military at 17 (the military is notorious for their exploitation of labor; I calculated that I was making less than $2 an hour when I was a lance corporal). I have remained in a job I tolerate because the salary has been consistent and good for 19 years even though I would do anything to be in a career that helps people. I have made career decisions that prioritized financial independence over family to ensure I would never have to rely on another person’s salary. I can look back and say that was to the detriment of my marriage. So the financial state that I am in has not come without a cost. I have been very fortunate financially, and I have made a lot of my own fortune. Both can be true.

The top of the K-slope is clearly billionaires and #eattherich. I am most definitely not a billionaire. I am, however, a millionaire (in southern California lol) and aiming for multi-millionaire in the next few years. And looking at our economy, seeing those around me who are struggling, this sickens me. I put my head down for decades, working and going to school and saving and investing, only to look up and see that others did not rise with me. I thought I was doing what I was supposed to do: get out of poverty and make it on my own. No child of mine would wake up in the middle of the night hearing their parents screaming about money or not having enough food. To try to make it for myself and to see that I am leaving behind half of the population feels so fucking gross. I looked up to see that the middle is gone and it is bad out there.

I had a friend a few years ago who I was never able to see eye to eye with in regard to finances. We would get into very heated debates about student loan forgiveness. He wished for every student loan to be forgiven, regardless of income level, type of degree, etc. I simply said I didn’t believe in student loan forgiveness (especially for graduate degrees) but I 100% didn’t think interest should be charged on any student loan. If I put myself back in that conversation and allow myself to feel those emotions again, I would say I had an overwhelming sense of grief in the idea that people who had taken out loans for school would have their loans forgiven when I had joined the military to ensure I didn’t have to have a loan I couldn’t afford. And no part of my military experience would ever be “forgiven.” This man called me a puppet of the military industrial complex and our friendship ended. It was clear we were coming from two different emotional end points. I would grieve a world in which I would’ve made a different choice if the idea of student loans being eradicated was remotely a thing. But they weren’t so I proceeded to make choices that drastically negatively impacted me (like joining the military to recieve the GI Bill and go to college for free). And he…he was grieving the promise of a career that a degree was supposed to bring him and he wasn’t getting.

Instead of us getting mad at the real villain (aka the unaffordability of college that preys on poor country kids to join the military and the fucked career environment that screws over college grads), we got mad at each other and our friendship ended. I tried reaching out a few years later and I realized once he saw my Instagram full of pictures of travel and happiness, he gave a firm “thanks but no thanks” response about the type of people he wanted in his life. He wouldn’t see the work with the homeless in the San Diego river I had done, or the mentoring I was doing to try and guide college kids in their careers, or the donations or the drives I had participated in. Because I don’t advertise those things. To him, I’m some rich bitch who is against people like him.

So here I am, at the beginning of the upwards K-slope, looking at my choices and wondering if I would feel less regret if I were on the plummeting downslope.