Journal Entry #1

Harboring hate is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. But oh how I hate you so much that I don’t care if I die; I never want to forgive you. I thought the years and the distance would ease that hate. And yet there are days like today where I am thrown off by how much I wish I could watch you suffer slowly. I don’t want you to suffer physically…okay, maybe a little; But mainly I want you to suffer emotionally. I want everything that brings you happiness in life to be stripped away from you. I want you to fall asleep every night filled with heartache that you can’t go back and change anything, that you can’t save yourself from this heartache, that you are truly alone because that is what you deserve.

I don’t hate people who are outright mean to me. I can forgive indifference. I can forgive cruelty. I can forgive everything but what the fuck you did to me. I hate you, you in your years of acting like you loved me but being too cowardly to tell me about your wife. I think about how you could move away and start your life over like you didn’t ruin multiple lives with your cowardice. But then I think about how I’ve ruined many lives and I sleep pretty well these days.

I think about why I can forgive so many others who have wronged me and yet can’t seem to let go of the delightful movie of slowly ending everything good in your life, of continuing to be in your life and ruin you with my mere presence. It takes seconds to find where you live. I don’t think that can be considered stalking as I am not acting on any of the scenes that play through my head. But there are days like today I think about showing up and punching you square in the jaw for threatening my son.

It’s silly to think I can’t let go of this anger. Is it anger transformed from my shame in trusting you? Is it because none of the plans and dreams we had can never come to fruition because they existed only in a fantasyland for you? There were parts of my psyche that were exposed with you, parts that I’m not entirely sure I wanted to know. So where is my anger based? I can forgive most people by placing myself in their shoes and seeing why they made certain decisions. But I will never understand your actions and lies.

And your actions and lies reverberate throughout every relationship I have now. I can’t trust.

I think about what happens to you when you read this…if you’re still checking in on me or if one of our mutual friends tells you to read. I wonder if you get that sad puppy-dog look on your face that tricked me for so long. I wonder if it will ever spur you to contact me, to approach me in the street. I wonder if you know how I think about stabbing you in the solar plexus. I definitely hate you so much that I would wiggle the knife around and watch that puppy dog look turn to excruciating pain.

I read my last fitrep today. Maybe that’s why I’m all pissed off. Casey wrote it, remember? And shortly after that, we all went to dinner and your hand was up my skirt while everyone talked about work. You had just married her. And I was the fool. Because I wouldn’t know that for what, four years?

I hope you suffer daily. I’ll keep drinking this poison of hate. I would rather die than ever forgive you.

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