Everybody Fucks Weird To Somebody

This post is going to get weird.

Dave Chapelle is an American comedian who is known for pushing the envelope on the things he says that society finds acceptable. In the standup special from this year, there’s a bit where he says “everyone fucks funny to someone” when someone judges his “appreciation” for feet. That phrase can’t be more true! Talk to a few people about their sex lives and you might be surprised at what turns people on. When I was younger, I would be really uncomfortable and wary of anything besides lights off, silent, missionary sex. I was super Christian about sex. I was raised to believe that sex was something to be avoided until marriage, that it was shameful to feel sexual pleasure, and that all desires should be hidden. Anything out of the norm was wrong.

Then I dated someone who liked to have sex with chairs.

We were about three months into our relationship when we started discussing what truly turned us on. While that might seem a bit far down the road to have a deep sex talk, I was 18 and very used to “vanilla” sex. He was 21 and had lived in Japan for two years, dating an older woman. He was worldly and I was a tad naive. I asked him what he really liked, what truly got him wrapped up in sexual ecstasy. He seemed to enjoy regular sex but I wanted to make sure I pleased him the most (because I’m competitive and love to please). After a few moments of my cajoling, he said he liked to fuck chairs.

I had never before been so torn on how I felt. I was intrigued, disgusted, confused, and wanting to both please him and run away in the same moment. I asked him to show me. He proceeded to place a regular straight legged chair between the bed and a table. He placed his hands on the bed and his feet on the table. His cock was pressed on the cushioned back of the chair, and he made love to that chair like it was a woman.

I was astounded. He clearly wasn’t fucking with me. He actually liked it. I asked why; his cock wasn’t even surrounded by anything. He said it was probably the pressure that made it feel so good. So we worked together to find a way to get his kink into our sex life.

It only got “weirder” from there. When I entered the swinging world at the age of 19, I was placed in a sudden world of partner swapping, orgies, and kinks and fetishes that weren’t being hidden or ignored. It was amazing! While I was still very “vanilla” in my sex life, I would go to swinger parties with Bill, who is a married man. His wife would be in attendance, and she would know about what he and I did together. I went from vanilla sex to having sex with Bill in front of a group of people while his wife got a very close-up view. I was in the sexual twilight zone.

I have discovered over the years that there is NOTHING that someone can say turns them on that will freak me out anymore. While I might not agree with it because it doesn’t get my juices flowing, it will not freak me out. Aside from children and animals, I think everyone should try to find their kink because kinky sex is…amazing. Use communication with your partner and try to reach an agreement on what you are willing to try. Heck, if they can’t give it to you, maybe they will let you get it from someone else. Honest communication is what enables couples to embrace what they find works for them in the bedroom. Maybe you want to be tied up and forced to watch your wife get fucked by someone. Or maybe you want to try reverse cowgirl. You do you, boo. If someone judges you and thinks you’re a fucking weirdo for what you do in the bedroom, feel sorry for the mediocre sex they are having.

And, maybe try stuff out once, or twice if you weren’t sure the first time. You might surprise yourself.

Side note: tentacle porn.