Polyamory Ask Me Anything Questions and Answers

I conducted a Polyamory Ask Me Anything (AMA) on my social media accounts. Context: I am a polyamorous woman with a husband and a boyfriend. Ask me anything.

The guidelines for this AMA:

1) Please keep questions to my life as a polyamorous person (I will answer questions about swinging and open relationships to an extent. I might do a completely different AMA for those topics).
2) I won’t give names unless I’ve been cleared to by the person.
3) I won’t give super intimate sexual details. Get your rocks off at www.pornhub.com.

Do you only LOVE your husband but hook up with others? My friends who are poly only LOVE each other but bone other people. Was wondering if there’s instances of multiple love as well…

I love my husband of six years and I love my boyfriend of one year. I also love three other people but I don’t consider myself in a relationship with them.

It sounds like what your friends are experiencing isn’t actually polyamory. Polyamory literally means many loves and would require more than just “boning” other people. It sounds like your friends are in a dynamic called swinging, which is the act of having sex with people who aren’t your significant other and NOT having emotional attachment to the other person.

Like your husband knows your bf and everyone is super cool?

Yeah, they have met multiple times. We have done family things together and they respect each other because of their love for me. They are both very emotionally intelligent and mature individuals. Occasionally there is jealousy but that is based upon a lack of time with my husband because he lives on the other side of the continent.

So far it’s (polyamory) worked out good for you?

As for the first question, yes and no. Polyamory is a constantly internally evolving dynamic that keeps me on my toes as the relationships change. However, polyamory has a severe social stigma and I have faced ridicule for how I choose to live my life. Internally, I love polyamory. The idea that multiple people support and love and defend me is seriously comforting and liberating. The idea that I can support and love and defend multiple people instead of feeling guilt for loving a person besides my spouse is EXTREMELY liberating. I used to fear expressing love as to protect my significant other’s feelings of jealousy or rage. I don’t fear love anymore.

You’ve been poly for years? Even in Japan?

I would say that I have always been poly my entire life but spent 25 years avoiding it because of my Christian upbringing. I thought something was wrong with me when I would be completely happy with my significant other and still care for and be attracted to and love other people. I started with swinging when I was 19 and found it disastrous because I would ALWAYS fall in love with someone I was forbidden to love. I moved to an open relationship with my husband when I was 23 (in Japan) and discovered that I was still lying and hiding my actions (probably because I was dating some less than ideal people). I didn’t fully accept myself as poly until I was 25 (2015) when the man I loved asked me to be his girlfriend (I later found out he was already married and lied to me for four years and was a completely terrible person). 

My husband knew I was poly for years before I knew it. 

So you’ve never hooked up with current bf and husband same time?

No, I haven’t.

Is this like furries?

No, it is not related to dressing up like an animal and performing sexual acts.

Are you and your husband swingers?

No, he and I have never swung.

When you’re dating multiple people, do you ever wish you could combine x from one person with y from another to make the perfect partner for you?

I wish I could say no, but I would be lying. Of course I have thought about taking away a characteristic that I didn’t admire from someone I love and making a perfect package with multiple other people I love in a sort of Mad Science remake but that isn’t how people are and that’s an impossible standard for a relationship.

I never want any partner of mine to think less of themselves because I love someone else. I don’t choose to be poly because my husband isn’t satisfying me or because he chews chips loudly. He is an amazing fucking man, which is why I used to have a lot of self-loathing for loving someone else. I am poly because I can be completed and loved in other ways than just by one. Poly isn’t a lack of fulfillment. It is an abundance of love and acceptance and learning about all of the awesome people in our world.

Do you plan on hiding it from your son until he’s older or just being open about it?

Honestly, I’m so scared of scarring him forever with this. I think he will be fine with the whole more love thing (kids only know love really) but I worry that other kids will mock him and say his mother is a whore. I don’t want my actions to adversely affect him. Currently, we are open with him and I think it will continue. I am just very concerned about how it will affect his life at school. Older kids are jerks to anything different.

When did you decide it was the right fit for you?

There wasn’t any one moment when a light bulb came on. I watched Big Love (similar to polyamory but it’s polygamy instead) when I was in Afghanistan and I think that was my first exposure to that kind of love. I had read Stranger in a Strange Land when I was 17 and polyamory was awesomely done in that book but I just wrote it off as a bunch of hippy dippy nonsense. I had spent years watching people cheat and lie and deceive in the Marine Corps. After TONS of talks of different family dynamics with my husband, I chose to no longer hide from freely loving more than one person. Years later, and with a lot of mistakes, here we are.

Is your husband poly? As in, does he have girlfriends, other loves, etc. as well? If not, is it difficult for him to know that he is 100% fulfilled by you and you are poly and cannot be fully fulfilled by him?

No, he is not poly. And you’ll have to ask him about the second part. I won’t speak for him.

Why did you get married? Marriage seems as if it is defined by the loving monogamy between two people, whilst having a relationship has more “wiggle room” for definition per say. What was the point in getting marriage [sic] if you were going to have other lovers? Why include marriage? I ask from curiosity, not judgement! It’s hard for me to understand when I don’t have that dynamic in my life 🙂

This answer is long. I got married because, simply put, I love him and I want to be with him. I was monogamous for many years with him and believed that was how I wanted to live my life. Strictly speaking, I’m not a fan of marriage. It doesn’t take a piece of paper to stop someone from beating you or cheating on you or leaving you. I don’t need the court systems to prove my love. I didn’t want to get married again after my divorce because of that very reason. However, I was with my now-husband and loved him and we knew the Marine Corps would send him away and not send me as a girlfriend. The marriage was as practical as it was about love. We got married and were sent to Japan shortly after.

Has your son seen you show love and affection for both your husband and boyfriend? Is that confusing for him?

My son has seen me hug my BF, yes, but that’s about it. He has also seen me hug and kiss with my husband. It doesn’t confuse him; he is a very chill people person. What confuses him is why I don’t allow him to eat candy for dinner.

Are you open in work settings about being polyamorous? For example, would you take your husband to a work function if he was in town, and then if he wasn’t, would you take your boyfriend?

I have six current coworkers on my Facebook now so I’m pretty sure they know more than they want to at this point. I’m very verbally open about dating someone who isn’t my husband because it was just confusing when I was trying to be discrete. The reactions are varied. As for work functions, probably not? I don’t really have work functions like that and I can barely go to anything just as myself because I am taking care of my son alone. Maybe I’ll revisit this question in a few years. However, I think it would cause a wave of conversation if I did.

If you chose to move in with your boyfriend, and your husband moved to California where you are, would you live with your husband AND boyfriend?

I currently live alone with my son. We have discussed living together but there are a lot of factors that go into that, i.e. the BF’s family.

Is their [sic] a hierarchy of sorts between your husband and boyfriend? Like does your husband always take priority because he is your husband and not your boyfriend? Or are they on equal footing?

They are on equal footing. I mean, they don’t step on each other’s toes and they are respectful of each other and my available time with them.

How many people have you had sex with?

This is irrelevant to this AMA and perpetuates the idea that poly people are down for casual sex or want to bone anything that moves. That’s not how this works and is pretty frustrating. I have had TONS of people think this means I’ll fuck anything that moves and trust me, I don’t. I have had men become very angry at me because they think I owe them sex. No, just no.

Do you and your husband ever discuss the sexual experiences you have between your boyfriend and vice versa? Or is it kind of an unspoken rule that you don’t discuss the details of the sex you have with others? Would he be upset if he walked in and saw you having sex with someone else? I ask because I can imagine having love for more then one person, but it’s hard for me to comprehend me not being hurt by the person I love when they physically and lovingly having sex with another person and me thinking about it and it not bothering me.

No, it is not discussed but people could if that’s what strikes their fancy. Some people are extremely jealous and don’t want to know and some are cuckholds who enjoy hearing about that kind of stuff. As for the walking in situation, maybe people need to work on logistics.

How do you keep track?

I have a Google calendar that I use profusely (everyone’s anniversaries, birthdays, surgeries, trips, work events, doctors appointments, school due dates, major life events, etc) that I share out. I use group texts to make sure that everyone is getting the same information. I take notes on my phone (I have over 40 original notepads with varying topics) of particulars that I don’t want to forget. I also have been with my husband so long that his personality and actions are second nature to me. They are also two similar and different people with two completely different lives and experiences.

Also, think of it like maintaining relationships with family and friends. We all have to keep track of multiple people, right? I still have my son and my friends to remember likes and dislikes. Maybe it’s easy for me, although I have forgotten things and repeated stories. They are patient and gently remind me.

Has your family said anything?

LOL, besides my mom asking if she didn’t show what a good monogamous relationship was to me, no. I have 23 family members on Facebook and haven’t heard a thing.

Does being poly mean that you occasionally go out and look for a random hookup because you’re just looking for unattached physical pleasure?

It shouldn’t. Polyamory comes with attachment. So if there are random physical hookups, it might be part of an open relationship or swinger type situation.

Non-Inclusive List of Sexual and Relationship Terminology

If you wander into any comment section of a porno (yeah, I don’t know why I do), then you might notice a lot of words that are unfamiliar to a vanilla mind. Here is my non-inclusive list and definitions of sexual and relationship terminologies. I have learned these through discussions, research, first-hand accounts, and a lot of questions. Please keep in mind that these terms can be related but does not mean that every person who lives a non-vanilla lifestyle partakes in every aspect. Assuming that someone who is a sub is also into anal is just rude and makes you look like an ass. Every person and their desires are unique, and all expectations and dynamics should be discussed before actions.

Anal (noun): placing an object, typically a penis, into the anus. This act is not regulated to one gender as both men and women can be fucked in the ass with both another penis or an object such as a strap-on dildo.

BDSM (noun): the acronym of a very broad umbrella of non-vanilla activity. Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, Sadism and Masochism.

Bisexual (adjective): willingness to have sex with both genders. Males and females can be bisexual.

Buffalo (noun): a single male willing to engage in a swinging relationship with a couple. They are everywhere and can typically be seen lurking in the corners of swinging parties hoping to be invited into the mix.

Cuckold (noun or verb): a male who enjoys seeing his wife getting fucked by someone who is not him. A female version is a cuckquean.

Dominant (noun, verb, adjective): someone who commands, someone who requires submission of those whom they dominate. Also known as a Top or a Dom. The person they dominate is called a submissive. Not all Dom’s require a sexual relationship with their submissive but it is more typical than not. A Dom can be a male or a female, but a female is called a Domme instead of a Dom. In a 24/7 BDSM relationship, a Dom is called a Master and a Domme is called a Mistress.

Dungeon (noun): a special room that is reserved for scenes. This room can be filled with sexual devices and anything required for a scene to take place.

Hall Pass (noun): when one member of a relationship gives open reign for their partner to engage in sexual relations with a third party. Hall passes can be based upon time (I.e. A day, a weekend, indefinitely), zip code, or occasion.

The Lifestyle (noun): the world of swinging. A couple who swings is said to be “in the lifestyle.”

Masochism (noun): Enjoyment that comes from physical and/or emotional pain. Someone who likes masochism is called a masochist (noun).

Open relationship (noun): when a couple chooses to open their sexual relationship to other people. This is not cheating. It is discussed prior to any sexual engagements with people outside of the relationship.

Sadism (noun): Enjoyment that comes from inflicting physical and/or emotional pain upon others. Someone who is into sadism is called a sadist (noun).

submissive (noun, verb, adjective): I purposefully un-capitalized it. Submissives are obedient to their Dom(me) and trust their Dom(me) with their physical and mental well-being. They are also known as subs or bottoms and can be male or female. In a 24/7 BDSM relationship, a sub is called a slave.

Swinging (noun, verb, adjective): when a couple engages in sexual relations with other couples. This is a very broad term and there are multiple times of swinging that I will try to cover. Swinging is strictly sexual and no emotional attachment is supposed to occur.

Switch (noun, verb): Someone who is capable of being both Dominant and submissive determinate upon who they are with. Some people can be Dominant to one person while also being submissive to someone else.

Scene (noun): an active time and place that BDSM dynamics take place. Scenes are usually discussed beforehand by both parties unless there is a pre-determined agreement. For those who live in a 24/7 BDSM relationship, scenes are non-stop. For example, a Master and slave relationship doesn’t require a scene because their life is a constant scene. For others, BDSM only occurs inside the bedroom and those acts are called scenes.

Threesome (noun): to engage in a sexual act with a total of three people at one time. Not all parties involved have to touch or engage sexually. A male, female, male is MFM, etc.

Unicorn (noun): a single female willing to engage in a swinging relationship with a couple. They are called unicorns because they do not exist.

Vanilla (adjective): a person who is unknowing of or unwilling to delve into sexual acts that go beyond the typical positions and flavors. It is the “blandest” way to have sex. This isn’t talking down to those who choose to live a vanilla lifestyle, but it comes from the idea that a “spicier” lifestyle (read: what magazines like Cosmo tell you to do to liven your sex life is typically borrowing from a non-vanilla lifestyle and diluting it so other people don’t freak out) does exist.

Everybody Fucks Weird To Somebody

This post is going to get weird.

Dave Chapelle is an American comedian who is known for pushing the envelope on the things he says that society finds acceptable. In the standup special from this year, there’s a bit where he says “everyone fucks funny to someone” when someone judges his “appreciation” for feet. That phrase can’t be more true! Talk to a few people about their sex lives and you might be surprised at what turns people on. When I was younger, I would be really uncomfortable and wary of anything besides lights off, silent, missionary sex. I was super Christian about sex. I was raised to believe that sex was something to be avoided until marriage, that it was shameful to feel sexual pleasure, and that all desires should be hidden. Anything out of the norm was wrong.

Then I dated someone who liked to have sex with chairs.

We were about three months into our relationship when we started discussing what truly turned us on. While that might seem a bit far down the road to have a deep sex talk, I was 18 and very used to “vanilla” sex. He was 21 and had lived in Japan for two years, dating an older woman. He was worldly and I was a tad naive. I asked him what he really liked, what truly got him wrapped up in sexual ecstasy. He seemed to enjoy regular sex but I wanted to make sure I pleased him the most (because I’m competitive and love to please). After a few moments of my cajoling, he said he liked to fuck chairs.

I had never before been so torn on how I felt. I was intrigued, disgusted, confused, and wanting to both please him and run away in the same moment. So I asked him to show me. He proceeded to place a regular straight legged chair between the bed and a table. He placed his hands on the bed and his feet on the table. His cock was pressed on the cushioned back of the chair, and he made love to that chair like it was a woman.

I was astounded. He clearly wasn’t fucking with me. He actually liked it. I asked why; his cock wasn’t even surrounded by anything. He said it was probably the pressure that made it feel so good. So we worked together to find a way to get his kink into our sex life.

It only got “weirder” from there. When I entered the swinging world at the age of 19, I was placed in a sudden world of partner swapping, orgies, and kinks and fetishes that weren’t being hidden or ignored. It was amazing! While I was still very “vanilla” in my sex life, I would go to swinger parties with Bill, who is a married man. His wife would be in attendance, and she would know about what he and I did together. I went from vanilla sex to having sex with Bill in front of a group of people while his wife got a very close-up view. Thus, I was in the sexual twilight zone.

I have discovered over the years that there is NOTHING that someone can say turns them on that will freak me out anymore. While I might not agree with it because it doesn’t get my juices flowing, it will not freak me out. Aside from children and animals, I think everyone should try to find their kink because kinky sex is…amazing. Use communication with your partner and try to reach an agreement on what you are willing to try. Heck, if they can’t give it to you, maybe they will let you get it from someone else. Honest communication is what enables couples to embrace what they find works for them in the bedroom.

Maybe you want to be tied up and forced to watch your wife get fucked by someone. Or maybe you want to try reverse cowgirl. You do you, boo. If someone judges you and thinks you’re a fucking weirdo for what you do in the bedroom, feel sorry for the mediocre sex they are having.

And, maybe try stuff out once, or twice if you weren’t sure the first time. You might surprise yourself.

Side note: tentacle porn.

What Love Means To Me

Let’s discuss polyamory, monogamy, and swinging.

Polyamory means “poly”, which means “many” and “amory” is from “love”. So to be polyamorous, you are a lover of many. In a crude sense, you love and have sex with multiple people of the opposite sex. However, in how it applies to my situation, you are a lover of many of both sexes. Does that qualify me as a bisexual slut? It seems so because that is what I’ve been called by many.

Robert A. Heinlein is one of my most favorite writers. I read Stranger in a Strange Land when I was 17, and the book’s ideas of a “water brother” stuck with me. The main character’s views on love and sex and relationships was very interesting to me but at the time, I discounted it as a work of science fiction. (Read the book.)

As I’ve grown up from a world of monogamy and ventured into polyamory, I’ve adapted a different approach to love completely. All I want is to love people, to support them and their dreams, to give them what they most desire that I can give. And sometimes, if the chemistry is right, I will want to have sex with them. Hell, if they want me badly enough, I’ll have sex with them even if the chemistry isn’t there. I understand that is a little unethical, but sex is fun if done properly. And a LOT of people are evidently having really terrible sex. If I can help, why not?

I fought this feeling for years (oh, god, I’m starting to act like I’m fighting my biological urges like the gays are told to do. That concept will probably be addressed in other post.). It wasn’t until I had exhausted the “swinger” era of my life that I realized I didn’t want to swing. I wanted to love. And swingers are forbidden to love their lovers. A swinger is supposed to have sex and explore other people sexually outside of their marriage but never fall in love with them.

Well, unless swingers are going to fuck a bunch a strangers (no judgement from me here), they are bound to begin to feel the stirrings of love. If a person finds someone interesting enough for GOOD sex to occur, how does a person completely isolate their hearts from the act?

Heads up, they don’t.

Here’s some anecdotal evidence for you. I have been in relationships with lots of married men (over 20 different men). Some were swingers, their wives watching us have sex, and some had me firmly in the “other woman who will never be mentioned or shown in public” position, and some had me firmly in the friend zone and would only come to me for intelligent conversation and humor.

Every. Single. One. Of. Them. Fell. In. Love. With. Me.

I mean, come on, I know I’m pretty awesome so I totally don’t blame them. But it would happen and they would, unless they were an awful person, feel terrible. Why? The only reason someone should feel guilty is if they are lying to their spouse or being deceitful. No one should feel guilty for loving someone else.

It was always nice to see someone I loved be with someone else they loved, cooking dinner or playing with the kids. The room would be filled with love, acceptance, and warmth. That is, unless the wife didn’t know that her husband was going to bend me over in the garage later on…then the experience of familial love became tainted.

I feel so conflicted about my views on love. This isn’t how I was raised. This isn’t what society accepts. But this is what I want; a house full of love and warmth and acceptance and maybe someone to help wrangle the dang kids because holy crap, it takes a village. The jealousy is present, indeed, but it hurts like a loose tooth. I like to keep wiggling it, feeling the pain until the tooth is gone.

What is wrong with having more love?

Do ya grok?

I’m In The Middle Of A Breakdown, Watching You Scream

My ex-husband is insignificant in my life. Granted, we were married for two years and two things happened between us that changed the course of my life forever. However, he, as a person, is someone I could literally never think about ever again and I wouldn’t lose an iota of inspiration or passion. 

We met when I was newly dropped into the United States Marine Corps fleet on Camp Pendleton in September of 2008. He was my Corporal, and I was a newly promoted 18 year old Lance Corporal. I checked into my unit, fresh from the schoolhouse, and promptly got so sick that I could barely move. I was trying to teach myself how to play chess in the barracks room as a group of Marines crowded into my room, carrying sushi and McDonalds. 

“We heard you were sick and brought you food.”

I thought it was sweet at the time but I’m sure there were better food choices for a sickly kid. 

We spent the next few months dating. He was my direct boss, and it was forbidden. We had to sneak around to have sex, and when the fires of Pendleton broke out in 2008, we were caught by the roving officer who was bursting into barracks rooms to “save people” from the fire. 

Our command knew what was happening and they were not pleased. However, there was no proof of fraternization that they could find, so we couldn’t be charged. 

He asked me to marry him next to a dumpster. Between the sushi and the dumpster, I’m not exactly sure what I thought I was getting into. We got married in December of 2008, after knowing each other for four months, and I was removed from the unit. The Gunnery Sergeant said he was glad I was gone because he didn’t want to have to deal with a girl on deployment. 

The next two years of our marriage was terrible. The operational tempo of maintaining two wars meant that we never saw each other. If I wasn’t in the field, I was in a school and he was in the field or on the ship. If he wasn’t in the field or on the ship, I was in the field. Whenever we saw each other, we would fight. I had a terrible temper and didn’t know how to express myself, and he was a stupid man who couldn’t handle me. One argument ended with him holding a knife to my throat after I threatened him with it. 

He was the one who told me what swinging was prior to our marriage. He told me of his time in Okinawa, Japan and how he was in a relationship with a Japanese woman who was married. He told me that lots of people swung. I, born a Southern Baptist, baptized a Methodist, and confirmed a Presbyterian, was dumbstruck. I had never heard of such a thing, and my Nana would be MORTIFIED. But I was so curious. 

“You mean, you love this person with whom you’re in a relationship with, and YOU FUCK OTHER PEOPLE??? How do you maintain the jealousy? How are people okay with this? Isn’t this so wrong??” 

He answered the questions the best he could, and we got married with the assumption we would try it out later. Again, the workups prevented us from seeing each other except for fighting. 

My 18 year old eyes were opened to a new lifestyle and I couldn’t wait to try something that didn’t suffocate me.