Fire and Hate

My heart is cracked and I am breathless trying to hold the pieces together, scrambling to pick them up as they fall to the ground and shatter. I miss your voice, your touch, your smile. Your energy filled the rooms within my soul, and now the life that you gave has been sucked from me as a fire sucks oxygen from the air so that it can grow in ferocity. I’m suffocating in the flames of your absence and I can’t breathe without you.

Your advice and view of the world was so unique to my young mind. Your strangeness made me feel normal. Your love made me feel wanted. Your simplicity made me feel calm. Our talks of divinity, of love, of possibilities together, all building a world and a future of wholeness; That world was shattered when I discovered your lies.

Except not shattered. The world still existed because it resided in my soul, the rooms of my soul that you filled. But that world, my world, is no longer bright and happy, with growth and life. The world within me is blackened and dying without the oxygen that your flames stole. Everywhere I turn is a shattered piece of a promise you had made to me, to us. Every word exchanged, every whisper of love, it was a lie that you were willing to tell.

How can someone willingly lie to someone they love? How can it not eat at their soul? It eats at mine as I lie that I am okay to those whom I love. I will never be okay. You changed me, and not for the better. I became cynical, the epitome of a weeping figure that stands on the cliffs before jumping. You were the one, and I never truly knew you. I would’ve jumped for you, but I would’ve jumped for someone that didn’t think I was worth telling the truth.

You. You deserve nothing in life because you had everything and you spat on it. Whether with her or me, you ruined that everything. You suffocated two women with multiple acts of lying and deceit over multiple years. I wonder if she has realized that she can’t breathe yet.

Let it go, people say. Just let it go. I guess it is easy for people to say to walk away without realizing what you stole. I did walk away, thank god, although I think of you with every move I make. I was able to leave, without the ability to breathe. And you told me to keep it together. Over five years of friendship, of courtship, of compromise and love…you saw my heart break and you looked at me in pity and then anger as you walked away, back to her, the one you kept from me for four years.

You are small, in body, mind, and spirit. I wish the cancer had taken you before you managed to ruin what we had.